My question about this study is, how did they measure marital satisfaction? I suspect it had to do with this nebulous, dare I say, nefarious, concept of “happiness” that seeps out of every pore of our society. And that this happiness was applied at the individual level. In other words, I suspect that questions were posed to the individuals on the basis of their individual satisfaction.

As I’m writing this I’m finding I have the idea in my head but it’s not translating into words. I guess my point is simply this – marriage and parenthood are both about giving to others, not receiving for ourselves. Therefore, any study of marriage or parenting that is based on looking at what someone receives from these relationships is going to be a negative report.

We need to understand that we gain just as much, if not more, from giving than we do from receiving. And that our “satisfaction” in life, long-term, is based on how much we give, not how much we receive. God has made us this way, so that when we go through life selfishly, only looking out for “number one” as our society teaches us, we ultimately end up unsatisfied, sensing something is missing from life.

Indeed, God created families as a place for us to learn how to give up our rights and needs and to live for others rather than ourselves. It is in the family that, at least for most of us, we are required to give up some things for the sake of our family members. Initially, we may react negatively to this because we’ve been taught that we should look out for ourselves and seek to maximize our individual happiness. But if we stick with it, giving up our rights and needs to meet the needs of our family members, most of us discover there is much greater joy and satisfaction in serving than in being served.

So back to the study – a final thought. It could also be that marital satisfaction was reported as being lower after having a child because, again, we have raised a generation of husbands and wives to believe that even family is about them, individually, rather than about the other members of their family. Perhaps the subjects of this study reported lower “satisfaction” because they define satisfaction in terms of being allowed to do what they want when they want it. Obviously, that’s not how marriage and parenting works. But that does not mean life in a family is inherently less satisfying. It just means we need to adjust the focus on our lens of life, and, as illogical as it may seem, accept that in giving, we end up receiving far more than we ever imagined. Long-term marital satisfaction is found in giving to our family, rather than expecting to receive from them.

Of course, that means that the defenders of traditional marriage are front-page news again. And I always cringe a bit when the broadcaster says, “Coming up – defenders of traditional marriage speak out against same-sex marriage.” Why? Because, I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems that they always find the oddest, most extreme individuals to present our case.

And they always seem to present the least reasonable, least intelligible argument for traditional marriage. It usually comes across as “gay-bashing.” You see, I think that in fact “gay-bashing” is wrong. No one has the right to demean or belittle another human being, regardless of the behavior in which they are engaged. Homosexuals are human beings loved by God just like every other person ever born, including you and me.

This, of course, is where it gets tricky. Making the distinction between the individual and the action. The action, I also believe, is clearly wrong. It does not make the individuals any “worse” than you or I. We’re all sinners in need of a savior.

However, said all of that, let me get to the point I really wanted to address. The issue of why we should be concerned about same-sex marriages. It has to do, quite simply, with God’s design of the human race as set forth in Genesis 1:27. That’s where we read, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

Now if you remember anything at all from basic grammar, that sentence should strike you as a little off. Do you see it. The pronouns don’t match. It says God created “him” (man) in his image, and then it says God created “them” (male and female) in his image.

The issue of being created in the image of God is familiar to most people. But unless you have studied this verse, you miss the full extent of what it means to be created in God’s image. You see, this verse tells us that God is both male and female, and that the fullness of his image is only seen in the combination of man and woman (in marriage). In other words, male alone, or female alone, are incomplete images of God, because God is both male and female.

So it’s only in a marriage between a man and a woman that we can see the fullest image of God in humanity. Anything else is only half the image. What does this have to do with same-sex marriage? Well I would hope you could reach some conclusions about that on your own. Dwell on this concept of the fullness of God’s image as both male and female and see what you think.

I know its a cliche, but there are certain times when it seems cliches hit home – they grow up fast. You blink once and they’re starting school – blink again and they’re starting high school – blink again and they’re leaving for college. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.

But what does it mean for how we live our lives? I suppose, as parents, it means we need to stop focusing on our desires and dreams and interests, if only for a little while, when the kids are at home. Because they do grow up fast. And before long you’ll have as much time as you want to pursue whatever you want, because you won’t be attending school functions and taking them to music lessons or athletic practices. You won’t be staying up late to help them fall asleep after having a nightmare or getting up in the middle of the night to comfort them when they get sick.

You’ll have all the time you want because there won’t be any need to help with school projects or comfort them through a break-up with the latest boyfriend. Time is really on your side. So for now, while they’re still here, don’t worry so much about what you want. Worry about what they need. And that’s pretty simple – your time.

He said (and I’m paraphrasing because I can’t remember the exact quote) we need men who understand that being a dad doesn’t end with conception. Amen to that. Whatever you might think about his politics, from what I’ve seen Obama at least presents an example for not just black men, but all men, with respect to what it means to be a dad.

Our society needs some heros. But not the kind of “heros” it worships. The kind of heros it really needs – dads who are committed to their families before their careers and selfish pursuits. Our young boys and men need to hear that a real hero denies himself and serves his family, rather than just looking out for his own interests.

Study after study after study demonstrates that one of the strongest influences on children is dad. If dad is physically or emotionally absent, children grow up with self-identity issues. And not to get too controversial, but there is some evidence to suggest that homosexuality can be linked to the lack of healthy involvement by dad early on in a child’s life (that should draw some interesting comments).

The problem, however, is that we now have a generation of young men who have been raised to believe that life is “all about me.” Pop culture teaches our kids to put their own interests above the interests of others. The chest-thumping, attention-grabbing athlete who pursues his “dream” at all costs is elevated as a hero. So our young men chase after self-fulfillment, with little regard for how what they’re doing affects others.

But the Bible provides a different definition of hero. The Bible says exactly the opposite of what society says – “Look not to your own interests but to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:4. Being a real father requires that dad set aside his own interests and look out for the interests of his family. He’ll get no accolades from society for this kind of behavior, but his family will thank him, and our world can be different because dad choose to be a different kind of hero.

I wouldn’t say it’s a great movie in terms of artistic appeal. And the message is less than subtle. But it’s accurate. One of the greatest lines in the movie is one that every American needs to hear – “You can’t follow your heart. You have to lead your heart.”

Our society teaches us, from a young age, to follow our heart. But the Bible tells us that the heart is “desperately wicked” above all else. Therefore we must train our hearts to go in the right direction. Something that can be done by, first, thinking the right thoughts, which then results in taking the right actions, which then leads to feeling the kind of emotions we all want to feel.

It’s interesting how our culture doesn’t get this. I read a review of this movie from the Boston Globe. Don’t remember the reviewer’s name, but he didn’t much like the movie. At the risk of giving away the plot if you haven’t yet seen the movie, he thought it a ridiculous plot for the wife to go back to the rough fireman husband rather than choose the obviously better choice of her co-worker, a doctor. Obviously, from the world’s standpoint, she would be “happier” leaving her husband.

This is such a grand lie that our society has swallowed. Emotions are both a caution for us when we not thinking right, and a reward for us when we are. In other words, if I’m feeling bad, that is a warning to me that I need to search my thoughts and see where I’m thinking incorrectly about something in life, which is leading me to act incorrectly, which is then causing me to feel bad. In the same way, if I’m thinking correctly about life, I’ll take the right actions and be rewarded by positive emotions.

Failing to understand this basic dynamic of the human condition has led so many people to ruin and destroyed millions of homes. “If it feels good, do it,” is a recipe for disaster. The heart must be led, not followed. If we don’t get this as a nation, we will be destroyed, literally. It’s what has happened to every great civilization, brought down by the destruction of the family unit, which happens when individuals begin to follow their feelings and engage in destructive behavior. It is satan’s grand scheme for destroying mankind. It yet, it’s so simple – “if it feels good, do it.”

I think that’s pretty insightful. Because that’s at the heart of the viscous cycle of disappointment and pain over leadership in many homes. Funny thing is, it’s been around for a long time. Go all the way back to the garden of eden – Adam and Eve. Whether you believer the story to be literally true or not (I personally take the story as true), the fact remains that it presents a basic truth of the human condition as it applies to relationships between men and women.

In that story you see God giving a command to the man, Adam, not to eat the fruit from one particular tree. Then you see the woman, Eve, doubting and wavering and then giving in to the temptation to eat from that one tree. All the while the man is standing right there watching this happen to Eve, even though he is the one God gave the command to.

Bottom line – women tend to be more naturally assertive in the home, and men tend to be more naturally passive. Which creates this viscous cycle. As the man sets back and becomes passive, the woman begins to worry, and doubt, and then steps in and takes control. The man, seeing this, only wants peace. So rather than cross her, even if he believes she is wrong, he lets her have her way. Only increasing her frustration over his failure to lead, and causing her to take over even more control. Eventually leading the man to become bitter because of an “overly-controlling” wife.

How to break out of the cycle? I wish I knew. Actually it is possible. It does take work on the part of both husband and wife. Both have to be willing to work against their natural inclination – the woman to control, the man to be passive. It will take time to adjust for both parties. The woman may have to let some things go for a time. And the man may have to risk offending his wife. But after things adjust, the cycle can be stopped.

What does this all have to do with me? Everything. Because I am more than just a little passive. And my wife is more than just a little controlling. So we both have to work every day against our natural tendency to find balance and equilibrium in our relationship. Doesn’t always work, but at least, as reflected in the questions she asked, we’re aware of the need to be constantly at work.

Thing is, she didn’t say it maliciously, or with any pre-determined answer in mind. Just one of those, oh by the way, have you thought about this lately. And unfortunately, this is an issue I don’t think about nearly enough. Frankly I’m not sure any guy does.

It’s amazing to me (but probably not as amazing as it is to our wives) that us guys can be so aggressive and assertive in the office, but so timid and in active at home. The word is passive. And then we complain about over-aggressive, assertive, controlling wives. They only reason they do that is because we’re not leading – we’re standing back and waiting for them to make the decision.

Even after I asking that question just last night I blew it again this morning. It was an odd morning. I’m in the kitchen preparing lunch boxes for my kids while my wife is fixing her breakfast. All of a sudden, there’s milk everywhere. On the countertop – dripping down the cabinets, all over the floor. She knocked over a glass of milk. So in my best passive male approach, I take a step back and survey the situation, waiting for her to do something. Until she says – “Go get a rag to clean this up.” Now there’s an idea. I quickly got over being offended at her telling me what to do (what other choice did she have, seeing as how I certainly wasn’t doing anything) and got a rag to clean things up.

My immediate reaction to everything that happens in the office is to figure out the solution, the answer, to make a decision. My immediate reaction, it seems, to everything that happens at home is to wait for my wife to figure it out. No wonder she gets frustrated with me.

So I thought I’d try this writing thing to see what happens. Maybe I’ll discover the answers to some questions I have. Questions I’m starting to deal with because of my age. 47, and aging, and starting to deal with things I never thought I’d have to deal with. Like why is it that the hair on your head stops growing up there and starts growing out your ears and nose instead?

That’s not really what my questions are about (though I do wonder about that one sometimes). No, my real questions are more about this husband thing. And the father thing. I don’t seem to be all that great at either one. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get past selfishness. Always thinking about myself. Don’t get me wrong – that doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife and kids. In fact, the thing that started this computer jam session was that my son went back to college last night, after being home with us for about three weeks over Christmas break.

That’s my oldest son. He’s a sophomore at Indiana University. Great kid – too smart for his own good sometimes. It was great having him home for the last several weeks. But I never told him that. I say it’s genetic – a curse I picked up from my dad that makes the Peters’ men unable to say how they’re really feeling.

I think the reality has more to do with that “s” word I mentioned earlier. Selfishness. It feels “uncomfortable” (using those silly quotation marks again – note to reader – that means I’m not sure what the word means) to express my feelings. It’s just easier to remain silent. While the days and weeks and months and, now, the years, pass by. My second child, my little girl, is a senior in high school. Just started her last semester of high school. What am I going to do when she leaves for college next year? I still haven’t adjusted to my oldest going away, how can I let her go?

Isn’t there something you can do to keep kids from leaving home? Like lock them in their rooms or something? I know, the well-adjusted approach is to say that it’s difficult when you drop them off at school for the first time, but you realize it’s for their own good and that they need to grow up and discover life on their own. As if you suffer only for short while and then, like the girl from Gone with the The Wind, you say tomorrow is a new day and you move everything out of their room so you can have a new home office.

But I still miss my son terribly every time he leaves. Is it really supposed to be this way? Maybe even that is about selfishness – I regret not having told him that I miss him, and think I’m missing my chances. But then again, maybe that’s too much self-analysis. Maybe it’s just a dad missing his son. And trying to find a way to say it.